Many of us, when we are suddenly faced with the reality that it is now our turn to take on the responsibility of being a “parent” to our parents feel that lump in our throat that screams out “Shoot – now what do I do?”
At the most inopportune time – while I am still trying to manage my own life, my little brother from Alaska calls to let me know that mom has been calling him at all hours of the day and night – not realizing that even in Medford, Oregon it is sometimes 3:00 in the morning. “Since you don’t have any kids at home at the moment, you are much more free than I am to get to Medford” he blurts out. “Portland isn’t that far away – “Go spend a couple days and see what is going on” he further orders. Ah .. little brothers sometimes can be a pain. But .. once I calm down at his assuming attitude I decide that after all, I’ve always been a little closer to my parents anyway.
Two weeks later I arrive at the family home outside of Medford towards Jacksonville. As I approach the house with the car that seems to gulp gas, the once picture-perfect place starts screaming for help. After banging on the door, since I got no answer with the doorbell – in fact I don’t even think it worked – mom opens up the door still dressed in that blue smock I saw her in five months ago on her 84th birthday. The two cats that ran out through the open door looked to be in better shape. Once I made it in, with mom clinging to me like she hadn’t seen me for 20 years, I realized that now it was indeed my turn – my turn to do what mom and dad had dome for me until I was nearly 40. They were always there with support – dad with his words of wisdom and handyman skills, and mom with whatever I needed.
After only a few hours it became quite apparent why John was getting all those calls. The nearly empty refrigerator, the stacks of papers, the leaking roof, and the unopened mail all indicated that those daily living tasks were needing some support. They were lucky that the phone had not been disconnected. Dad was still enjoying the local Lions club, mom was somehow getting to the senior center twice a week, and they were managing well enough to fool everyone that they were doing fine, including their church pastor who shook their hands every Sunday on the front steps of the church.
Where do I begin? Friends in San Diego had told me how Assisted Living was working well for their parents; others found Home Health workers helpful; others told me to just go to their senior center and ask for recommendations; or pehaps check with some caring neighbor. Being that mom and dad were not in a situation where we would have to make an immediate decision, I decided to begin where it seems many of us do these days – on the Internet. After doing a couple searches I discovered a site called The Senior Care Guide. Much to my surprise I discovered some Residential Care places near my sister in San Diego. Ah Jack, did you know that there is a place only a mile from your home in Alaska? If it was decided to keep mom and dad near their home, I discovered at least a phone number, and an address for every licensed care facility in Medford, Oregon including Assisted Living, Adult Foster Care, and Residential Care. I even found the senior center that mom loved so much. So .. at least I found a place to start. I called my sister in San Diego, my brother in Bend and that demanding John in Alaska. Okay siblings .. check out your areas too. Maybe the answer will be to find a place somewhere near some of you. John, remember dad always loved Alaska and yes, San Diego has the perfect climate for mom. ☺ Choices Choices, what next?
I had a similar experience, but had no brothers or sisters to help me through this really tough time. Being a do-it-yourselfer I got on the internet to do research about what types of facilities are out there and what I should be looking for and almost had a stroke trying to get through the information. After about three or four days of trying to wade through this information I happened across The Senior Care Guide and thought I had died and gone to heaven. They explained the types of care, and what I should be aware of plus they listed the different facilities in each city. It was so easy to search for areas close to my work and my home and the addresses and phone numbers were there so I could just call as ask to come by to see the facility. If you are going through this difficult time, I strongly suggest you check out The Senior Care Guide…..it’s awesome.
Do you really think your parents would want to move from Medford to Alaska or San Diego? You can’t just transplant people and take them away from their friends, church and area. They are not looking to “experience a new area at their ages”. Are you not aware how stressful a move is for seniors? If you know anything about gardening you’ll know what happens when you try to transplant and fully grown plant. Lots of preparation is needed to do that, and even then your chances are not that great. I guess you can tell what my hobby is. All of you siblings need to get together and figure our what’s best for your parents. I guess I better look at that Senior Care Guide to see what it’s all about.
M.G., I think you are a very wise person. Good advise. However, sometimes it is necessary to move a senior to a different location in order to have family available to advocate for them and make sure the care they are getting is what it should be. I do agree though that you should first try to keep them in the area that they have a network of friends and familiar surroundings.